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Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

Tags: Feds  Break  Up  Brutal  Las  Vegas  Man-Fighting  Ring 

President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The...

Black Conservatives Support Candidate Whose Religion Believes Black People Bear Mark Of Cain

Tags: Black  Conservatives  Support  Candidate  Whose  Religion  Believes  Black  People  Bear  Mark  Of  Cain 

The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face, and the Supreme Court overturns Right v. Wrong. It's the week of January 16th, 2012. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook:...

Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

Tags: Critics  Slam  Obama  For  "Just  Standing  There"  During  Photo  Op 

Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook: The Onion on Twitter:...

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Tags: Football  Fans  Excited  To  Watch  Patriots  Or  Giants  Lose  Super  Bowl 

Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin's impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook:

Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman

Tags: Did  Media  Treat  Bachmann  Unfairly  Because  She's  An  Insane  Woman 

The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. (Aired 11/1/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook: The Onion on Twitter:

Remembering 9/11 A Pleasure For Nation Compared To Remembering Past 10 Years

Tags: Remembering  9/11  A  Pleasure  For  Nation  Compared  To  Remembering  Past  10  Years 

President Obama will earn $300,000 for stimulus purposes by appearing in a series of Japanese commercials, the nation's cable news networks promise not to go overboard with their September 11th coverage, and a shitty zoo is promoting the hell out of its new fruit bat. It's the week of September...

Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

Tags: Judge  Rules  White  Girl  Will  Be  Tried  As  Black  Adult 

The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.

Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

Tags: Pop  Star's  Single,  'Booty  Wave',  Most  Likely  Civilization's  Downfall 

Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook: The Onion on Twitter:...

Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident

Tags: Millions  Irrationally  Feared  Dead  In  Minor  Train  Accident 

After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

Obama Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Tags: Obama  Scales  Back  Goals  For  America  After  Visiting  Denny's 

Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

Update: Obama Yet Again Refrains From Obliterating Human Race

Tags: Update:  Obama  Yet  Again  Refrains  From  Obliterating  Human  Race 

A budget mix up causes Congress to accidentally fund schools ...NFL Players look weird in suits, and a revealing discovery about the life of Gentle Ben. It's the week of May 9, 2011.

High Unemployment Linked To Increasing Number Of Face Tattoos

Tags: High  Unemployment  Linked  To  Increasing  Number  Of  Face  Tattoos 

A new jobs report from the Department of Labor shows that Americans are out of work because many of them now have face tattoos and employers are reluctant to hire anyone who would willingly mar their face with tiger stripes.

Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee

Tags: Santorum  Now  Viciously  Condemning  Homosexuals,  Minorities,  Women  For  $100,000  Speaking  Fee 

A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course. It's the week of May 7th, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The...

Tim Tebow Becomes First Bad Quarterback To Lead 4th Quarter Comeback

Tags: Tim  Tebow  Becomes  First  Bad  Quarterback  To  Lead  4th  Quarter  Comeback 

It's a spooky GOOMF and everything is backwards: Doc is Kenny, Kenny is Belichick, Tim Tebow is winning games and Blake Griffin is dunking everything in sight.

Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet

Tags: Al  Qaeda  Attacks  Internet  With  Photo  Of  Adorable  Piglet 

Full coverage tonight at 10/9c only on IFC TV. The irresistibly cute photo was forwarded millions of times before servers collapsed. Original photo:

FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"

Tags: FDA  Official:  "Just  Eat  A  Goddamn  Vegetable" 

During the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that the FDA is urging Americans to put something green in their dumb mouths.

Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart

Tags: Hostages  Trapped  Inside  Walmart  Insisting  They  Never  Shop  At  Walmart 

A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.

Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films

Tags: Final  Minutes  Of  Last  Harry  Potter  Movie  To  Be  Split  Into  Seven  Separate  Films 

Warner Bros. will recut the last four minutes of "The Deathly Hollows: Part 2" and stretch it into seven films so fans can enjoy the Harry Potter franchise for another decade.

2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead

Tags: 2011  In  Review:  Nation  Shocked  To  Find  Out  Elizabeth  Taylor  Wasn't  Already  Dead 

As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook: The Onion on Twitter:

American Dream Declared Dead As Final Believer Gives Up

Tags: American  Dream  Declared  Dead  As  Final  Believer  Gives  Up 

Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. The last vestige of the American Dream slipped away as a Pennington, IL resident quietly laid aside his hope of owning a bar & grill.

2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  Queen  Beds  Kate  Middleton  In  Royal  Tradition 

In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook: The Onion on Twitter:...

Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds

Tags: Report:  Economy  Failing  Because  U.S.  Built  On  Ancient  Indian  Burial  Grounds 

In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America's problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.

Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'

Tags: Al  Qaeda  Populating  U.S.  With  Peaceful  'Decoy  Muslims' 

(Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC) Terrorists are planting normal, hard-working Muslim Americans throughout the nation to get us to lower our guard.

2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  One  Of  Arizona's  Many  Crazed  Gunmen  Shoots  Congresswoman 

In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook: The Onion on Twitter:...

Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law

Tags: Congress  Forgets  How  To  Pass  A  Law 

After years of gridlock, Democrats and Republicans have realized no one remembers how to actually enact legislation.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: The Onion on Facebook: The Onion on Twitter: