Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

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A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

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Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

Tags: Feds  Break  Up  Brutal  Las  Vegas  Man-Fighting  Ring 


President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Tags: Obama's  Approval  Rating  Down  After  Photos  Surface  Of  Him  Eating  Big  Sandwich  All  Alone 


Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad." Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

Tags: In  The  Know  Panel  Analyzes  Obama's  Furious,  Profanity-Filled  Rant  At  Nation 


In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Black Conservatives Support Candidate Whose Religion Believes Black People Bear Mark Of Cain

Tags: Black  Conservatives  Support  Candidate  Whose  Religion  Believes  Black  People  Bear  Mark  Of  Cain 


The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face, and the Supreme Court overturns Right v. Wrong. It's the week of January 16th, 2012. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook:...

Obama Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Tags: Obama  Scales  Back  Goals  For  America  After  Visiting  Denny's 


Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

Remembering 9/11 A Pleasure For Nation Compared To Remembering Past 10 Years

Tags: Remembering  9/11  A  Pleasure  For  Nation  Compared  To  Remembering  Past  10  Years 


President Obama will earn $300,000 for stimulus purposes by appearing in a series of Japanese commercials, the nation's cable news networks promise not to go overboard with their September 11th coverage, and a shitty zoo is promoting the hell out of its new fruit bat. It's the week of September...

Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman

Tags: Did  Media  Treat  Bachmann  Unfairly  Because  She's  An  Insane  Woman 


The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. (Aired 11/1/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

Tags: Judge  Rules  White  Girl  Will  Be  Tried  As  Black  Adult 


The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.

2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  One  Of  Arizona's  Many  Crazed  Gunmen  Shoots  Congresswoman 


In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

High Unemployment Linked To Increasing Number Of Face Tattoos

Tags: High  Unemployment  Linked  To  Increasing  Number  Of  Face  Tattoos 


A new jobs report from the Department of Labor shows that Americans are out of work because many of them now have face tattoos and employers are reluctant to hire anyone who would willingly mar their face with tiger stripes.

Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident

Tags: Millions  Irrationally  Feared  Dead  In  Minor  Train  Accident 


After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

Tags: Critics  Slam  Obama  For  "Just  Standing  There"  During  Photo  Op 


Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

Tags: Pop  Star's  Single,  'Booty  Wave',  Most  Likely  Civilization's  Downfall 


Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

Tags: Brain-Dead  Teen,  Only  Capable  Of  Rolling  Eyes  And  Texting,  To  Be  Euthanized 


The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay."Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Tags: Football  Fans  Excited  To  Watch  Patriots  Or  Giants  Lose  Super  Bowl 


Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin's impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow...

Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee

Tags: Santorum  Now  Viciously  Condemning  Homosexuals,  Minorities,  Women  For  $100,000  Speaking  Fee 


A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course. It's the week of May 7th, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"

Tags: FDA  Official:  "Just  Eat  A  Goddamn  Vegetable" 


During the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that the FDA is urging Americans to put something green in their dumb mouths.

Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart

Tags: Hostages  Trapped  Inside  Walmart  Insisting  They  Never  Shop  At  Walmart 


A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.

Obama Begs U.S. Not To Embarrass Him In Front Of French (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)

Tags: Obama  Begs  U.S.  Not  To  Embarrass  Him  In  Front  Of  French  (Season  1:  Ep  8  on  IFC) 


In the Daily Briefing, Obama asks the nation to "be cool" while his friends Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni are in town.

2011 Top Story: Japanese Nuclear Reactor Totally Safe Says Two-Headed Plant Official

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  Japanese  Nuclear  Reactor  Totally  Safe  Says  Two-Headed  Plant  Official 


In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up blood. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion...

The Onion Voter's Guide To Barack Obama

Tags: The  Onion  Voter's  Guide  To  Barack  Obama 


Election Day is fast approaching. To help you prepare, here now is The Onion's in-depth voter's guide to Democratic candidate Barack Obama.Watch The Onion Voter's Guide To Mitt Romney Here: http://onion.com/T6eqI3Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook:...

GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'

Tags: GOP  Supports  Obama  For  2012:  'We  Need  More  Time  To  Completely  Ruin  His  Life' 


Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive star at the center of the Solar System, and Bristol Palin reveals that her mother has had 15 abortions. It's the week of August 8th, 2011.

Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died

Tags: Report:  Nobody's  Heard  From  David  Blaine  In  A  While,  Somebody  Should  Probably  Check  If  He  Died 


A burrito is eaten like someone in the room wasn't crying, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving, and Obama forgets to dumb it down for America. It's the week of December 5th, 2011.

President's Approval Rating Soars After Punching Wall Street Banker in Face

Tags: President's  Approval  Rating  Soars  After  Punching  Wall  Street  Banker  in  Face 


As featured on Tuesday's "Onion News Network" on IFC, President Obama is back on top after cleaning the clock of a smug Wall Street banker.

AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

Tags: AA  Destroying  The  Social  Lives  Of  Thousands  Of  Once-Fun  Americans 


In The Know panelists discuss how Alcoholics Anonymous wreaks havoc on the friendships of Americans by turning the 'life of the party' into a sanctimonious bore.