Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

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A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

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Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

Tags: Feds  Break  Up  Brutal  Las  Vegas  Man-Fighting  Ring 


President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

Tags: Brain-Dead  Teen,  Only  Capable  Of  Rolling  Eyes  And  Texting,  To  Be  Euthanized 


The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay."Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Tags: Obama's  Approval  Rating  Down  After  Photos  Surface  Of  Him  Eating  Big  Sandwich  All  Alone 


Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad." Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

Tags: Critics  Slam  Obama  For  "Just  Standing  There"  During  Photo  Op 


Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Tags: Football  Fans  Excited  To  Watch  Patriots  Or  Giants  Lose  Super  Bowl 


Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin's impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow...

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

Tags: In  The  Know  Panel  Analyzes  Obama's  Furious,  Profanity-Filled  Rant  At  Nation 


In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

High Unemployment Linked To Increasing Number Of Face Tattoos

Tags: High  Unemployment  Linked  To  Increasing  Number  Of  Face  Tattoos 


A new jobs report from the Department of Labor shows that Americans are out of work because many of them now have face tattoos and employers are reluctant to hire anyone who would willingly mar their face with tiger stripes.

Man With Nice Eyes Blown

Tags: Man  With  Nice  Eyes  Blown 


Female voters can't help fawning over sexist GOP candidates, a homesick kid on a sleepover just needs to tough it the fuck out, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson lets it slip that he's been to Mars. It's the week of March 26th, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on...

Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

Tags: Dead  Wife  And  Kids  Replaced  By  Miniature  Horses 


Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse.

Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

Tags: Republicans  Stalling  Obama's  Agenda  By  Speaking,  Moving  In  Slow  Motion 


Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly. (Aired 10/25/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

Tags: Meet  The  Man  Inside  The  Nicolas  Cage  Costume 


Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on...

Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

Tags: Witch  Who  Granted  Beyoncé  Beauty  And  Fame  Takes  Singer's  First-Born  Child 


Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can

Tags: Steve  Jobs  Resigns  After  Realizing  Technology  Has  Gone  As  Far  As  It  Can 


Congress bets the farm on one last big bill, publicists agree that the nation's celebrities are in dire need of more fame, and Jesus Christ informs Tim Tebow that he isn't talented enough to start in the NFL. It's the week of August 22nd, 2011.

Sale Of BET To White Supremacist Group Results In No Changes To Programming

Tags: Sale  Of  BET  To  White  Supremacist  Group  Results  In  No  Changes  To  Programming 


An alien world agrees to help Syria since this world refuses to, the sale of BET to a white supremacist group results in no changes to programming, and a little turtle gorges an entire raspberry. It's the week of March 12th, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Jay-Z Fans Brace Themselves For Onslaught Of Horrible Odes To Baby

Tags: Jay-Z  Fans  Brace  Themselves  For  Onslaught  Of  Horrible  Odes  To  Baby 


Following the news of Beyonce's pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad. (Aired 10/11/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died

Tags: Report:  Nobody's  Heard  From  David  Blaine  In  A  While,  Somebody  Should  Probably  Check  If  He  Died 


A burrito is eaten like someone in the room wasn't crying, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving, and Obama forgets to dumb it down for America. It's the week of December 5th, 2011.

Report: Some Sick Fuck Out There Now Supporting Herman Cain Because Of Sexual Assault Allegations

Tags: Report:  Some  Sick  Fuck  Out  There  Now  Supporting  Herman  Cain  Because  Of  Sexual  Assault  Allegations 


The U.S. offers franchising opportunities to increase revenue, Jessica Milly puts out, and Dad's new 20-year-old Thai boyfriend really sucks at Scattergories. It's the week of November 14th, 2011.

Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

Tags: Judge  Rules  White  Girl  Will  Be  Tried  As  Black  Adult 


The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.

Blanket Of Snow Creates Illusion That Town Not A Total Shithole

Tags: Blanket  Of  Snow  Creates  Illusion  That  Town  Not  A  Total  Shithole 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAA new teen trend 'walking wet and nude' couldn't have caught on at a worse time, a man unknowingly purchases a lifetime supply of condoms, and astudy proves this descended from wolves.Like The Onion on Facebook:...

Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

Tags: Obama  Begs  Voters  Not  To  Make  His  Daughters  Switch  Schools 


The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make new friends. (Aired 11/18/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick

Tags: Heartbroken  Santorum  Condemns  Gay  Marriage  For  Two-Timing  Jerks  Like  Nick 


An emotional Rick Santorum stepped up his anti-gay rhetoric this week, saying jerks like Philadelphia's Nicholas Wiseman should not be allowed to marry a man they barely know when there's someone out there who truly cares for them.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Vengeance-Minded Glacier Just Biding Time Until Next Ice Age

Tags: Vengeance-Minded  Glacier  Just  Biding  Time  Until  Next  Ice  Age 


Congress takes a group of schoolchildren hostage, Vice President Biden invites a visiting ambassador to check out the White House roof, and the 2011 newborns are the ugliest babies in the thirty years. It's the week of September 26th, 2011.

Poll Shows Majority Of Americans Would Watch Something Called 'Love Trap'

Tags: Poll  Shows  Majority  Of  Americans  Would  Watch  Something  Called  'Love  Trap' 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAA slow-witted conspiracy theorist is convinced the government is behind NASA, the grisly remains of 15 hobbits is discovered in Peter Jackson's attic, and a cool guy from middle school is still sporting his phat pair of JNCOS. It's the week...

Minnesota Braces For Return Of Bachmann's Full Attention

Tags: Minnesota  Braces  For  Return  Of  Bachmann's  Full  Attention 


A fight kind of runs out of steam 15 seconds in, George Washington laments that his vision of the future has not been realized, and Philip Morris releases its new line of Marlboro PM cigarettes. It's the week of January 9th, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

Tags: Justin  Bieber  Found  To  Be  Cleverly  Disguised  51-Year-Old  Pedophile 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUASex offender Michael Cote carefully engineered his rise to teen pop stardom to gain access to thousands of underage girls.For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/videoLike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The...