Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

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A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

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Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

Tags: Feds  Break  Up  Brutal  Las  Vegas  Man-Fighting  Ring 


President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Obama Proposes $4 Trillion Piece Of Empty Rhetoric

Tags: Obama  Proposes  $4  Trillion  Piece  Of  Empty  Rhetoric 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAUkrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines, the national endowment for the arts provides 80 million dollars for discouraging talentless hacks, and a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window....

Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Tags: Obama's  Approval  Rating  Down  After  Photos  Surface  Of  Him  Eating  Big  Sandwich  All  Alone 


Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad." Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Tags: Football  Fans  Excited  To  Watch  Patriots  Or  Giants  Lose  Super  Bowl 


Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin's impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow...

Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

Tags: Witch  Who  Granted  Beyoncé  Beauty  And  Fame  Takes  Singer's  First-Born  Child 


Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

FBI Uncovers Largest Credit Card Scam In History After Raiding Visa Headquarters

Tags: FBI  Uncovers  Largest  Credit  Card  Scam  In  History  After  Raiding  Visa  Headquarters 


Nation's students to give American education system yet another chance, man overcomes alcoholism without Jesus by his side, and study shows: 96% of humans would rather be an animatronic bear. It's the week of August 15th, 2011.

Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"

Tags: Today  Now!  Interviews  The  5-Year-Old  Screenwriter  Of  "Fast  Five" 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAJim and Tracy welcome Chris Morgan, the kindergartener who wrote the latest action-packed "Fast And The Furious" sequel.Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonionMore...

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

Tags: In  The  Know  Panel  Analyzes  Obama's  Furious,  Profanity-Filled  Rant  At  Nation 


In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Department Of Treasury Releases New Monsters Of The Silver Screen 20 Dollar Bill

Tags: Department  Of  Treasury  Releases  New  Monsters  Of  The  Silver  Screen  20  Dollar  Bill 


The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant for the Oakland Raiders' concession stands, and a local man's utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot. It's the week of October 24th, 2011.

Pope Supports Gay Marriage After Meeting Charming Connecticut Couple

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China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls over onto a cloud, and a little clay thing is purchased at an arts festival. It's the week of July 11th, 2011.

GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'

Tags: GOP  Supports  Obama  For  2012:  'We  Need  More  Time  To  Completely  Ruin  His  Life' 


Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive star at the center of the Solar System, and Bristol Palin reveals that her mother has had 15 abortions. It's the week of August 8th, 2011.

Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table

Tags: Justin  Timberlake  Wins  Golden  Globe  For  Funniest  Goofball  At  His  Table 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAIn this StarFix Quick Hit, Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester.Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can

Tags: Steve  Jobs  Resigns  After  Realizing  Technology  Has  Gone  As  Far  As  It  Can 


Congress bets the farm on one last big bill, publicists agree that the nation's celebrities are in dire need of more fame, and Jesus Christ informs Tim Tebow that he isn't talented enough to start in the NFL. It's the week of August 22nd, 2011.

Jim And Tracy Put On Fat Suits To See What Life Is Really Like For Awful Fat People

Tags: Jim  And  Tracy  Put  On  Fat  Suits  To  See  What  Life  Is  Really  Like  For  Awful  Fat  People 


Jim and Tracy go undercover in fat suits to find out how greedy, obnoxious, fat people are discriminated against by the public.

Vengeance-Minded Glacier Just Biding Time Until Next Ice Age

Tags: Vengeance-Minded  Glacier  Just  Biding  Time  Until  Next  Ice  Age 


Congress takes a group of schoolchildren hostage, Vice President Biden invites a visiting ambassador to check out the White House roof, and the 2011 newborns are the ugliest babies in the thirty years. It's the week of September 26th, 2011.

Ruin The Economy Or Not? Congress Still Unable To Decide

Tags: Ruin  The  Economy  Or  Not?  Congress  Still  Unable  To  Decide 


Congress spotted walking out of a gay nightclub, U.S. quietly slips out of Afghanistan in the dead of the night, and Tim Duncan sends out google invites for the fifth consecutive day. It's the week of July 18th, 2011.

National Dating Standards Lowered

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In order to spur coupling, the National Dating Agency has lowered standards to include gambling addicts and the morbidly obese.

Jay-Z Fans Brace Themselves For Onslaught Of Horrible Odes To Baby

Tags: Jay-Z  Fans  Brace  Themselves  For  Onslaught  Of  Horrible  Odes  To  Baby 


Following the news of Beyonce's pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad. (Aired 10/11/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Doofus Chilean Miner Stuck Down There Again

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A local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever, 54 Iraqi civilians die in not our problem anymore, and the U.S. adds 4 million new jobs, but in St. Louis. It's the week of November 28th, 2011.

Tim Tebow Becomes First Christian To Play In NFL - Sports Year in Review

Tags: Tim  Tebow  Becomes  First  Christian  To  Play  In  NFL  -  Sports  Year  in  Review 


Kenny and Doc look down the barrel of a gun as they discuss the top stories of 2011, including Tim Tebow, LeBron James, and that unspeakable college football thing.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on...

Obama Begs U.S. Not To Embarrass Him In Front Of French (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)

Tags: Obama  Begs  U.S.  Not  To  Embarrass  Him  In  Front  Of  French  (Season  1:  Ep  8  on  IFC) 


In the Daily Briefing, Obama asks the nation to "be cool" while his friends Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni are in town.

How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him

Tags: How  To  Get  A  Guy  To  Notice  You  While  You're  Having  Sex  With  Him 


Today Now! dating expert Rebeccah Rachel shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who's thrusting his erection inside of you.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died

Tags: Report:  Nobody's  Heard  From  David  Blaine  In  A  While,  Somebody  Should  Probably  Check  If  He  Died 


A burrito is eaten like someone in the room wasn't crying, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving, and Obama forgets to dumb it down for America. It's the week of December 5th, 2011.

2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  One  Of  Arizona's  Many  Crazed  Gunmen  Shoots  Congresswoman 


In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal A Prime Example Of Democrats And Democrats Sacrificing For The Greater Good

Tags: Obama:  Debt  Ceiling  Deal  A  Prime  Example  Of  Democrats  And  Democrats  Sacrificing  For  The  Greater  Good 


Ben Bernanke drunkenly tells everyone at a local bar how screwed the U.S. economy really is, an area dog's rock bottom is the same as his peak, and Randy Moss quits on football for the final time. It's the week of August 1st, 2011.