Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

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A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

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Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

Tags: Feds  Break  Up  Brutal  Las  Vegas  Man-Fighting  Ring 


President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Obama's Approval Rating Down After Photos Surface Of Him Eating Big Sandwich All Alone

Tags: Obama's  Approval  Rating  Down  After  Photos  Surface  Of  Him  Eating  Big  Sandwich  All  Alone 


Voters describe recent images of Obama eating a gigantic hoagie all by himself "somehow very sad." Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

Tags: In  The  Know  Panel  Analyzes  Obama's  Furious,  Profanity-Filled  Rant  At  Nation 


In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Black Conservatives Support Candidate Whose Religion Believes Black People Bear Mark Of Cain

Tags: Black  Conservatives  Support  Candidate  Whose  Religion  Believes  Black  People  Bear  Mark  Of  Cain 


The nation's gross doctors recommend drinking eight cups of clam juice per day, a snake gets a tattoo of a dude on its face, and the Supreme Court overturns Right v. Wrong. It's the week of January 16th, 2012. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook:...

Obama Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Tags: Obama  Scales  Back  Goals  For  America  After  Visiting  Denny's 


Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult

Tags: Judge  Rules  White  Girl  Will  Be  Tried  As  Black  Adult 


The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man. Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC.

High Unemployment Linked To Increasing Number Of Face Tattoos

Tags: High  Unemployment  Linked  To  Increasing  Number  Of  Face  Tattoos 


A new jobs report from the Department of Labor shows that Americans are out of work because many of them now have face tattoos and employers are reluctant to hire anyone who would willingly mar their face with tiger stripes.

Remembering 9/11 A Pleasure For Nation Compared To Remembering Past 10 Years

Tags: Remembering  9/11  A  Pleasure  For  Nation  Compared  To  Remembering  Past  10  Years 


President Obama will earn $300,000 for stimulus purposes by appearing in a series of Japanese commercials, the nation's cable news networks promise not to go overboard with their September 11th coverage, and a shitty zoo is promoting the hell out of its new fruit bat. It's the week of September...

Did Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman

Tags: Did  Media  Treat  Bachmann  Unfairly  Because  She's  An  Insane  Woman 


The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy. (Aired 11/1/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

Tags: Critics  Slam  Obama  For  "Just  Standing  There"  During  Photo  Op 


Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'

Tags: Al  Qaeda  Populating  U.S.  With  Peaceful  'Decoy  Muslims' 


(Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC) Terrorists are planting normal, hard-working Muslim Americans throughout the nation to get us to lower our guard.

2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  One  Of  Arizona's  Many  Crazed  Gunmen  Shoots  Congresswoman 


In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

The Onion's Future News From The Year 2137

Tags: The  Onion's  Future  News  From  The  Year  2137 


For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/videoWhile other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. In the year 2137 a catastrophe has reduced the world to a lawless wasteland — food and water are...

Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

Tags: Pop  Star's  Single,  'Booty  Wave',  Most  Likely  Civilization's  Downfall 


Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Tags: Football  Fans  Excited  To  Watch  Patriots  Or  Giants  Lose  Super  Bowl 


Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin's impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow...

Millions Irrationally Feared Dead In Minor Train Accident

Tags: Millions  Irrationally  Feared  Dead  In  Minor  Train  Accident 


After a small train derailment in Delaware, Americans all across the nation are senselessly fearing for their loved ones' lives.

Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

Tags: Justin  Bieber  Found  To  Be  Cleverly  Disguised  51-Year-Old  Pedophile 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUASex offender Michael Cote carefully engineered his rise to teen pop stardom to gain access to thousands of underage girls.For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/videoLike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The...

FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"

Tags: FDA  Official:  "Just  Eat  A  Goddamn  Vegetable" 


During the Daily Briefing, Tucker Hope reports that the FDA is urging Americans to put something green in their dumb mouths.

How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him

Tags: How  To  Get  A  Guy  To  Notice  You  While  You're  Having  Sex  With  Him 


Today Now! dating expert Rebeccah Rachel shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who's thrusting his erection inside of you.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee

Tags: Santorum  Now  Viciously  Condemning  Homosexuals,  Minorities,  Women  For  $100,000  Speaking  Fee 


A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course. It's the week of May 7th, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

Tags: Brain-Dead  Teen,  Only  Capable  Of  Rolling  Eyes  And  Texting,  To  Be  Euthanized 


The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay."Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  Queen  Beds  Kate  Middleton  In  Royal  Tradition 


In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart

Tags: Hostages  Trapped  Inside  Walmart  Insisting  They  Never  Shop  At  Walmart 


A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.

National Dating Standards Lowered

Tags: National  Dating  Standards  Lowered 


In order to spur coupling, the National Dating Agency has lowered standards to include gambling addicts and the morbidly obese.

GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'

Tags: GOP  Supports  Obama  For  2012:  'We  Need  More  Time  To  Completely  Ruin  His  Life' 


Straight and gay service members are looking forward to asking and telling, scientists believe the recent heat wave may have been caused by a massive star at the center of the Solar System, and Bristol Palin reveals that her mother has had 15 abortions. It's the week of August 8th, 2011.