Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

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A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

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Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

Tags: Feds  Break  Up  Brutal  Las  Vegas  Man-Fighting  Ring 


President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Obama Proposes $4 Trillion Piece Of Empty Rhetoric

Tags: Obama  Proposes  $4  Trillion  Piece  Of  Empty  Rhetoric 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAUkrainian-Russian tensions divide U.S. citizens along ignorant and apathetic lines, the national endowment for the arts provides 80 million dollars for discouraging talentless hacks, and a dog is held against its will inside a Skype window....

Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

Tags: Witch  Who  Granted  Beyoncé  Beauty  And  Fame  Takes  Singer's  First-Born  Child 


Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

Tags: Critics  Slam  Obama  For  "Just  Standing  There"  During  Photo  Op 


Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

Tags: In  The  Know  Panel  Analyzes  Obama's  Furious,  Profanity-Filled  Rant  At  Nation 


In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

Tags: Pop  Star's  Single,  'Booty  Wave',  Most  Likely  Civilization's  Downfall 


Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

How To Get A Guy To Notice You While You're Having Sex With Him

Tags: How  To  Get  A  Guy  To  Notice  You  While  You're  Having  Sex  With  Him 


Today Now! dating expert Rebeccah Rachel shares tips for getting the attention of that cute guy who's thrusting his erection inside of you.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Tags: Football  Fans  Excited  To  Watch  Patriots  Or  Giants  Lose  Super  Bowl 


Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin's impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow...

Pope Supports Gay Marriage After Meeting Charming Connecticut Couple

Tags: Pope  Supports  Gay  Marriage  After  Meeting  Charming  Connecticut  Couple 


China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls over onto a cloud, and a little clay thing is purchased at an arts festival. It's the week of July 11th, 2011.

Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds

Tags: Report:  Economy  Failing  Because  U.S.  Built  On  Ancient  Indian  Burial  Grounds 


In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America's problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.

Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet

Tags: Al  Qaeda  Attacks  Internet  With  Photo  Of  Adorable  Piglet 


Full coverage tonight at 10/9c only on IFC TV. The irresistibly cute photo was forwarded millions of times before servers collapsed. Original photo: http://yfrog.com/h7407jj

Doofus Chilean Miner Stuck Down There Again

Tags: Doofus  Chilean  Miner  Stuck  Down  There  Again 


A local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever, 54 Iraqi civilians die in not our problem anymore, and the U.S. adds 4 million new jobs, but in St. Louis. It's the week of November 28th, 2011.

Vengeance-Minded Glacier Just Biding Time Until Next Ice Age

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Congress takes a group of schoolchildren hostage, Vice President Biden invites a visiting ambassador to check out the White House roof, and the 2011 newborns are the ugliest babies in the thirty years. It's the week of September 26th, 2011.

Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'

Tags: Al  Qaeda  Populating  U.S.  With  Peaceful  'Decoy  Muslims' 


(Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC) Terrorists are planting normal, hard-working Muslim Americans throughout the nation to get us to lower our guard.

Expert Wasted Entire Life Studying Anteaters

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Today Now! host Jim Haggerty consoles a severely depressed zoologist on the latest Critter Corner installment.More coverage at: http://onion.com

Ruin The Economy Or Not? Congress Still Unable To Decide

Tags: Ruin  The  Economy  Or  Not?  Congress  Still  Unable  To  Decide 


Congress spotted walking out of a gay nightclub, U.S. quietly slips out of Afghanistan in the dead of the night, and Tim Duncan sends out google invites for the fifth consecutive day. It's the week of July 18th, 2011.

Obama Begs U.S. Not To Embarrass Him In Front Of French (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)

Tags: Obama  Begs  U.S.  Not  To  Embarrass  Him  In  Front  Of  French  (Season  1:  Ep  8  on  IFC) 


In the Daily Briefing, Obama asks the nation to "be cool" while his friends Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni are in town.

2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  One  Of  Arizona's  Many  Crazed  Gunmen  Shoots  Congresswoman 


In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

The Onion Looks Back At 'Saving Private Ryan'

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Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAThe Onion's movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews 'Saving Private Ryan' in this week's Film StandardLike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonionMore Breaking News:...

Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

Tags: Justin  Bieber  Found  To  Be  Cleverly  Disguised  51-Year-Old  Pedophile 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUASex offender Michael Cote carefully engineered his rise to teen pop stardom to gain access to thousands of underage girls.For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/videoLike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The...

2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  Queen  Beds  Kate  Middleton  In  Royal  Tradition 


In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law

Tags: Congress  Forgets  How  To  Pass  A  Law 


After years of gridlock, Democrats and Republicans have realized no one remembers how to actually enact legislation.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart

Tags: Hostages  Trapped  Inside  Walmart  Insisting  They  Never  Shop  At  Walmart 


A gunman at a Dearborn, MI Walmart is holding dozens of shoppers who say they only happened to be at the tacky megachain by coincidence.

Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

Tags: Brain-Dead  Teen,  Only  Capable  Of  Rolling  Eyes  And  Texting,  To  Be  Euthanized 


The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay."Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

Tags: Meet  The  Man  Inside  The  Nicolas  Cage  Costume 


Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on...