Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

Embarrassed Steven Chu Accidentally Calls Barack Obama 'Dad' In Cabinet Meeting

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A new law prohibits Kaleidoscoping while driving, Joe Biden advertises guitar lessons on the White House bulletin board, and Romneymania sweeps the nation. It's the week of January 23rd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

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Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

Tags: Feds  Break  Up  Brutal  Las  Vegas  Man-Fighting  Ring 


President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid. It's the week of January 2nd, 2012.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Tags: Football  Fans  Excited  To  Watch  Patriots  Or  Giants  Lose  Super  Bowl 


Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin's impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow...

Army Program Pairs Female Soldiers With Male Chaperones

Tags: Army  Program  Pairs  Female  Soldiers  With  Male  Chaperones 


Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. Women will now be allowed to fight on the front lines, provided a chaperone is there to make sure they don't hurt themselves.

Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

Tags: Witch  Who  Granted  Beyoncé  Beauty  And  Fame  Takes  Singer's  First-Born  Child 


Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

FBI Uncovers Largest Credit Card Scam In History After Raiding Visa Headquarters

Tags: FBI  Uncovers  Largest  Credit  Card  Scam  In  History  After  Raiding  Visa  Headquarters 


Nation's students to give American education system yet another chance, man overcomes alcoholism without Jesus by his side, and study shows: 96% of humans would rather be an animatronic bear. It's the week of August 15th, 2011.

Pope Supports Gay Marriage After Meeting Charming Connecticut Couple

Tags: Pope  Supports  Gay  Marriage  After  Meeting  Charming  Connecticut  Couple 


China agrees to forgive a portion U.S. debt if Americans dress up in costumes and perform silly dances for them, a drunk pilot pulls over onto a cloud, and a little clay thing is purchased at an arts festival. It's the week of July 11th, 2011.

Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'

Tags: Al  Qaeda  Populating  U.S.  With  Peaceful  'Decoy  Muslims' 


(Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC) Terrorists are planting normal, hard-working Muslim Americans throughout the nation to get us to lower our guard.

The Onion's Future News From The Year 2137

Tags: The  Onion's  Future  News  From  The  Year  2137 


For More Breaking News: http://www.theonion.com/videoWhile other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. In the year 2137 a catastrophe has reduced the world to a lawless wasteland — food and water are...

Report: Economy Failing Because U.S. Built On Ancient Indian Burial Grounds

Tags: Report:  Economy  Failing  Because  U.S.  Built  On  Ancient  Indian  Burial  Grounds 


In The Know panelists discuss a new congressional report linking all of America's problems to the fact that our entire nation was built on top of Native American graves.

2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

Tags: 2011  Top  Story:  One  Of  Arizona's  Many  Crazed  Gunmen  Shoots  Congresswoman 


In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Department Of Treasury Releases New Monsters Of The Silver Screen 20 Dollar Bill

Tags: Department  Of  Treasury  Releases  New  Monsters  Of  The  Silver  Screen  20  Dollar  Bill 


The nation begs its smart people to please just fix everything now, John Madden agrees to work as a consultant for the Oakland Raiders' concession stands, and a local man's utter failure in life is a bit of a sore spot. It's the week of October 24th, 2011.

2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead

Tags: 2011  In  Review:  Nation  Shocked  To  Find  Out  Elizabeth  Taylor  Wasn't  Already  Dead 


As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage. (Aired 12/9/11)Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Blanket Of Snow Creates Illusion That Town Not A Total Shithole

Tags: Blanket  Of  Snow  Creates  Illusion  That  Town  Not  A  Total  Shithole 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAA new teen trend 'walking wet and nude' couldn't have caught on at a worse time, a man unknowingly purchases a lifetime supply of condoms, and astudy proves this descended from wolves.Like The Onion on Facebook:...

Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet

Tags: Al  Qaeda  Attacks  Internet  With  Photo  Of  Adorable  Piglet 


Full coverage tonight at 10/9c only on IFC TV. The irresistibly cute photo was forwarded millions of times before servers collapsed. Original photo: http://yfrog.com/h7407jj

Tim Tebow Becomes First Bad Quarterback To Lead 4th Quarter Comeback

Tags: Tim  Tebow  Becomes  First  Bad  Quarterback  To  Lead  4th  Quarter  Comeback 


It's a spooky GOOMF and everything is backwards: Doc is Kenny, Kenny is Belichick, Tim Tebow is winning games and Blake Griffin is dunking everything in sight.

Jim And Tracy Put On Fat Suits To See What Life Is Really Like For Awful Fat People

Tags: Jim  And  Tracy  Put  On  Fat  Suits  To  See  What  Life  Is  Really  Like  For  Awful  Fat  People 


Jim and Tracy go undercover in fat suits to find out how greedy, obnoxious, fat people are discriminated against by the public.

Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law

Tags: Congress  Forgets  How  To  Pass  A  Law 


After years of gridlock, Democrats and Republicans have realized no one remembers how to actually enact legislation.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Ruin The Economy Or Not? Congress Still Unable To Decide

Tags: Ruin  The  Economy  Or  Not?  Congress  Still  Unable  To  Decide 


Congress spotted walking out of a gay nightclub, U.S. quietly slips out of Afghanistan in the dead of the night, and Tim Duncan sends out google invites for the fifth consecutive day. It's the week of July 18th, 2011.

National Dating Standards Lowered

Tags: National  Dating  Standards  Lowered 


In order to spur coupling, the National Dating Agency has lowered standards to include gambling addicts and the morbidly obese.

Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table

Tags: Justin  Timberlake  Wins  Golden  Globe  For  Funniest  Goofball  At  His  Table 


Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUAIn this StarFix Quick Hit, Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester.Like The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/theonion

Doofus Chilean Miner Stuck Down There Again

Tags: Doofus  Chilean  Miner  Stuck  Down  There  Again 


A local robot is not programmed for that, but whatever, 54 Iraqi civilians die in not our problem anymore, and the U.S. adds 4 million new jobs, but in St. Louis. It's the week of November 28th, 2011.

Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can

Tags: Steve  Jobs  Resigns  After  Realizing  Technology  Has  Gone  As  Far  As  It  Can 


Congress bets the farm on one last big bill, publicists agree that the nation's celebrities are in dire need of more fame, and Jesus Christ informs Tim Tebow that he isn't talented enough to start in the NFL. It's the week of August 22nd, 2011.

In The Know Panel Analyzes Obama's Furious, Profanity-Filled Rant At Nation

Tags: In  The  Know  Panel  Analyzes  Obama's  Furious,  Profanity-Filled  Rant  At  Nation 


In a special post-speech analysis, panelists discuss what America did to make President Obama so angry he was actually spitting while he yelled at us.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The Onion on Facebook: http://www.fb.com/theonionFollow The Onion on Twitter:...

Heartbroken Santorum Condemns Gay Marriage For Two-Timing Jerks Like Nick

Tags: Heartbroken  Santorum  Condemns  Gay  Marriage  For  Two-Timing  Jerks  Like  Nick 


An emotional Rick Santorum stepped up his anti-gay rhetoric this week, saying jerks like Philadelphia's Nicholas Wiseman should not be allowed to marry a man they barely know when there's someone out there who truly cares for them.Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: http://bit.ly/xzrBUALike The...

American Dream Declared Dead As Final Believer Gives Up

Tags: American  Dream  Declared  Dead  As  Final  Believer  Gives  Up 


Onion News Network, Fridays at 10/9c on IFC. The last vestige of the American Dream slipped away as a Pennington, IL resident quietly laid aside his hope of owning a bar & grill.